It has been confirmed today that the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh will not be attending the wedding of Pippa Middleton and James Someone-Or-Other because the 91 year old Monarch can’t find an arse-hugging dress to wear. Continue reading “Queen and DoE Miss Wedding due to Arse-Hugging Dress Disaster.”
Due to a deficit in the attention span of the President of the USA, NATO will be putting time limits on the speeches at the upcoming summit with the US head of state in a desperate attempt to keep his attention.
Speakers will be limited to between 2 and four minutes at the summit at the end of the month to be held in the Belgian capital, Brussels.
The Secretary General of NATO, Jens Stoltenberg has made this bold move in a desperate attempt to keep the attention of the US president, Donald Trump. “I do not expect that even this move will be enough to hold his attention as i have had longer conversations with my puppy, Tinkerbell” Stoltenberg informed us “every single conversation i have with the POTUS ends up with him asking what we were talking about”
One source said “we’re finding this a bit ridiculous really, it’s like we’re having to prepare to deal with a child! Could the American people at least send someone who doesn’t have to concentrate to look important!”
Mr Trump started to respond by saying “listen, I have the best attention span, no-one has a better attention sp….ooooh puppies”
New promoted Premier league team, Newcastle United today launched their revolutionary new kit to mixed reviews.
The new kit has a striking white and black vertical stripe design and the club marketing director wasn’t sure how it would go down with fans when asked by the media.
“Obviously it’s totally different to any other kit we’ve put out but we think it’s time to modernise and get with the times; after all we’ve had the same kit for pretty much the whole of the 125 years we’ve been going”.
Newcastle fans are unsure about the new design claiming that the old black and white stripes were much more their colour than the new white and black design.
“I think this new white and black stripe monstrosity will make me look well fat, pet!” said Geordie McToon on social media “not sure i wanna be seen without me Wonga top on either”.
The Newcastle marketing team are standing by their design by saying if Mike Ashley can look thin in the new kit, then anyone can.
Vegans all over Great Britain are expressing their outrage at the fact that the new polymer £5 note contains trace amounts of Tallow, a substance derived from fats and also used in candles and soaps, by signing a new online petition. Continue reading “Vegan Outrage As New £5 Note Off Their Menu.”